I didn’t know how to write this post at first. I had no clue how to even start it. Whether shall I start with a positive thought or jump into the drama wagon. I decided to just go ahead and let my fingers slide along my keyboard typing straight from my heart.I also wanted to show you, that anxiety is a common thing and many people feel very similar.
I asked my friends and other bloggers to share their stories with me. These bloggers/friends are very brave people to openly talk about it as is so hard to be judged as this is what we fear the most. You will be surprised how similar we all feel. I want people to understand that we are going through loads of things in our heads and it’s scary as fuck for us. We are not doing this on purpose, we are not childish or dramatic. Anxiety is an illness and there are medications for it. Some people need it. I have purposely written this showing you each aspect of anxiety and not everyone will have the same symptoms and some may experience it a little differently and have stronger/mild symptoms depends on their life/social situations.
2017 was one long anxiety period with little small breaks. I lost many ‘’friends’ end up blocking loads of people, few blocked me. I decided to write this story as I promised myself to break through the 2018 and start a new life anxiety free. I know it’s not completely possible and I will scare now loads of people who just met me, and loads of people will start to avoid me. I know that. But then perhaps, better as in that case, I won’t need to explain myself anymore, I won’t be called dramatic or childish because they won’t understand why I just snapped out of blue when they didn’t reply me.
So, before you turn into that hypocrite, who share status about anxiety support but then call your friend a childish dramatic bitch, then please read this post carefully.
However, I have found my cure, and I have made the most amazing January ever. So read this post to find out How I breakthrough an anxiety and gained my confidence. I won’t say I will never have any symptoms in my life because I don’t know what will happen but for now, I know, how to live anxiety free and drama free.
the ‘positive world’ book
Everyone just wants super happy and very positive people around themselves. These days, all the happy life books will suggest that. ‘Surround yourself with positive people and life will be better’, in reality, this means, push your anxiety and depressed friends in the corner and leave them alone. Perhaps, it will help those who just want to be happy, however, will not help those who need you. As simple as that.
The worst part comes when people apply the ‘’happy life’’ books advice and put them into reality. You get blocked when you reach for help, you get ignored or you get told you are negative and not needed in their life. Then you start feeling extremely shit about yourself, as you no longer deal with one problem, now you have another.
Many people call suiciders as selfish people. They are not selfish. They tried to reach out, they want to be out and have friends, but they scared they will fucked up again and sometimes they stay home. We cancel plans, I cancelled so many this year and I was hated for it. I would last minute bail as I would get terrified that I won’t get along with new people ( if more people are coming) or with events I would get scared that no one will like me and I will end up walking on my own. It’s not like I can’t be arsed but sometimes I get more comfortable at home, with cats and just watch tv. I do sometimes love my loneliness I wrote about it in the past to give myself a confidence boost. It’s okay to be alone
don’t avoid your friends with anxiety… reach out and ask if they ok, sometimes a simple chat can make wonder !!!!!
Sometimes I hate that. Sometimes, I really want to go out and I noticed I prefer to go with one person rather a group, as I always feel judged/not comfortable in groups. I always get myself worked up that someone doesn’t like me.
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depression or anxiety?
It took me a while to understand what is happening to me. I didn’t know if I was depressed or what on earth was going on. Like I would still do my work and I would have ‘’normal days’’ being happy, smile, chat and laugh.
Imagine… When you have a bad day and you think that the whole world is against you, you cry, you are angry and go see a friend, have a quick nap or watch TV and the next day is much brighter. Now, imagine that for me, I had these ‘bad days’ for weeks even months. I could wake up, check Facebook, Twitter and go back to sleep. I had absolutely no motivation, no strengths.
This may sound extremely disgusting, but I went through days without brushing my hair or teeth, wearing the same pyjama. I didn’t care. I didn’t have strengths. I just wanted the day over as soon as it started. I would type some words into pages, to delete and close my laptop going for a 5/6h nap. I genuinely believed I am not needed in this world anymore. I cried so much this year, I would cancel so many events, so many people I have let down this year and I would cancel many coffees in town or night outs with any excuse. I just wanted to stay home.
At first, I thought I must have depression. I went to GP, with a quick chat I have described a list of antidepressants and gosh knows what else. I was actually in shock, that I was given them so quickly without seeing a specialist. Literally, like a bag of candies! I went to the pharmacy, bought the pills and went home. As I am an overthinker, I always have second.. actually no, third, fourth and fifth thoughts, I have googled the pills and potential side effects. This made me immediately throw them into the bin.
2017 was an awful year for me. I decided to skip listing what has happened, as some stories are so painful, it’s hard to even think of them. I had literally so many things that killed my confidence and kept in darkness throughout the entire year.
My brain would work constantly. I would do something during a day, for example, have a conversation with someone and then I will rethink that conversation over and over, trying to figure it out if I didn’t say anything wrong. I would question if I did something wrong. I would take everything, absolutely everything personally. I will see someone Facebook status, I would think is about me. I would spend the entire night crying, blaming myself and thinking I must be a really bad person. I would often apologise if I see someone being quiet for a minute because I already over think something and I would think that I did something wrong if someone doesn’t speak to me for a while. Sometimes, I would simply forget that people also have a busy life and I would always think that they don’t talk to me because I have done/said something wrong or they don’t like me.
This is how I fell out with most people I know. They found me too needy, too expressive and they were too busy for me. I was being called childish or dramatic a lot.
I would message people, and try to go out. I would be questioning why they don’t reply or want to go out with me. I will see them in my town if they from another city/ and I would question why they didn’t visit me. I would see them posting on social media that they out and I would question, why I wasn’t invited. This what start creating spins/and ‘dramas’ quite often.
Worrying is the worst part. Constant worrying and over analysing literally everything!!! Did I switch off my straightener? Do they like me? Why he just looked at me? Have I said something wrong? Did I do this not correct? Am I dressed inappropriately for the event? Why is she staring at me, do I have stains? Why is she not replying?
I will pretty much always look for WW2 conspiracy everywhere. There is definitely someone who doesn’t like me, and they definitely have some secret agenda against me.
I had a problem in work, I would always feel like I am not good enough. I would produce an amazing presentation or come up with the actually good concept but instead, I would fear, and finding faults in it! Always. I never believed in myself, and even online on blog took me awhile to understand that my work/pics are not bad. I would always compare myself, and always think there is something wrong with my work and everyone is better. I was never ever good enough, no matter what, no matter how many compliments I would get. This is where people with anxiety may come across as an attention seeker and validation seeker because we always think are crap. Not because we just want praise.
I would have problems with meeting people as well, I would fear open my mouth in larger group or meeting. If I managed to say something, I would think it was so bad, people will now just hate me.
I have sore throat-am I going to die ‘’googled’.. crying, I’m dying! I’m definitely dying. I have gone through this year an endoscopy, several blood tests, awaiting biopsy currently. I have had so much stress my body, just stopped coping giving me my googled symptoms of basically being a dead person now. Even that doctors after a doctors telling me there is everything fine with me, I will be always looking to just find faults everywhere.
I am currently being tested for IBS as well, so I think there is something wrong but it’s not confirmed so this gives me quite a bit of worrying as well.
people will find time for those who they want to see, no matter how busy they are
When you lonely, you reach to many people. You try to make contact and you try to chat. Some people will always find time for happy and positive people. They will always go out with those that make them laugh. Most people will try to avoid me because they simply can’t bear with me/ with people like me. They don’t want to spend the night listening to your dramas and how bad you feel. That’s why an anxiety is a loneliness. Even if sometimes you don’t want that. You get to argue with someone and you just end blocking them/removing from FB friends ( even if you regret just a few hours after and feel embarrassed about it) but you just act in ‘’anxiety attack’ and you do that. That’s when you get called childish.
Then I would have the real panic attack… that part when your heart is pounding, your hands are clammy and you think you are having a heart attack or you won’t be able to breathe …this can last for 1h or until I fall asleep which may take hours. After each, I am left exhausted. I always want to call a&e but then I don’t want to be called dramatic, but inside I fear I will not survive the night, or I will stop breathing overnight.
It took me a while to understand that I have ‘’anxiety attack’ when I act irrationally and have a panic attack when I think when I die.
the achieving part
Then sometimes I got normal. I would go days with absolutely feeling fine, not finding anyone or anything suspicious or feeling like the world is hating me. Then I would become the achiever, the goal seeker and the most passionate and motivated person ever. Sadly, that part of me is pushed out of loneliness. I am at that point where I am so bored with being just by myself that I am doing something to prove that I am not a bad person.
However, when I am in my confident zone and good days, I can be the heart of social, I will make people laugh, and I will walk with smiles on my face. This is how I made January and think I found myself a small cure! Luckily, 2018 started quite well for and I will yet post about gaining back my confidence and break through the anxiety.
They are extremely brave to speak up about it, as believe me is not easy to bring up stuff that is making your life hell. We are in fear of being judged all the time. These stories are different yet, you will find similarity in some cases. This is why anxiety is an illness, it’s not us ”need to get a grip’ it’s us really suffering.
”I suffered with anti-natal depression for a few months which isn’t as talked about as post-natal depression. I just felt numb, like I was underwater. I was also incredibly anxious. Even going to the hospital for baby checks was horrendous. By the time I’d driven there, parked my car, waited for my appointment running an hour late – I was a tearful mess by the time I actually saw the midwife. The smallest thing would set me off and I just couldn’t cope with much at all. I went to counselling offered by a local baby and mother charity and by the time I was 8 months pregnant I felt much more myself. I’m still not 100% and may never be but I’m kinder to myself now. I don’t push myself to take on too much like I used to xx” Natalia, www.britishstyleuk.com
‘I suffer with reactive depression, something I was diagnosed with following the death of my dad last year. My days vary between the really hard, the bearable and the ones where I can smile. And if I’m really honest some days are a mixture of all three. On my worst days I feel like I’m in a black cloud and can’t see any light. ‘ Kirsty, www.luvandlifestyle.com
‘Anna, To me the feeling of depression is like there’s this cloud that follows you around. Some days you know why that cloud is there and some days you don’t. It makes you feel heavy, like my legs are lead and everything takes more effort. It’s easy to describe the physical but when I think of the mental side of the feelings that’s when it’s hard. Mentally my depression has this fog and on bad days it’s like I am battling through the fog with no clearance in sight. Alison, www.passionsandpreening.com
I can’t breath and I have to put my head in between my legs! People will be around me reassuring me but I can’t hear them properly it’s all muffled! I feel like the room is spinning and my body wants to move to keep up with it! My friend once slapped me round the face to make me come to! I start repeating words over and over again for example, no, this isn’t right, I’m not enough, no this isn’t right I’m not enough! Etc that’s what I was repeating with her and she slapped me! May seem dramatic but it bought me to, and then I focused on breathing! Escape for me is more I don’t like the public seeing them! I’ve had one at work and it’s not emotionally good! I find that I’m more shy to attend things by myself, and I’m awkward in groups! I’m ALWAYS called dramatic and I am known to be an over thinker and over analyser! Which makes it ten times worse! I wish I could stop the thinking and the analysing believe me!Ana, www.labellavitaxo.com
“Having an Anxiety attack feels like I need to quickly escape, get out and run as fast as I can because if I don’t, I think I might die. It feels like I’ve just ran a marathon without leaving my seat and it’s left me completely exhausted.” – Mariam from Teaandmaz https://teaandmaz.com
‘I suffer from bipolar and I have my really high days and then although I am the life of the party, I know that will be hell to pay when I hit my downer. Being depressed for me means that I feel the only way out would be to take a handful of pills and just commit suicide. But instead, I take a sleeping pill and sleep it off. I push my friends away because I think they don’t understand and then I hate them because they haven’t been in touch. I don’t understand that it’s my fault until afterwards. I can’t be bothered to wash or clean my teeth and I get into arguments. There are plenty of tears and feeling a failure of a mum.Vicky, ‘www.beingtillysmummy.co.uk.